What the Hell?

Actual question given on a University of Washington

chemistry midterm:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

(absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using

Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up

when it is compressed) or some variant. One student,

however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is

changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls

are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

"I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets

to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As

for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the

different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these

religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,

you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these

religions and since people do not belong to more than one

religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to

Hell.

"With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect

the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,

we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because

Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and

pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to

expand as souls are added.

"This gives two possibilities.

"#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at

which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in

Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

"#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than

the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and

pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

"So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me

by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it

will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take

into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having

sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell

is exothermic."

The student got the only A grade.

Orgasms After 40: How to Make Them Better and More Frequent

[The second in a series of excerpts from our forthcoming book, Sex After 40]

Experts agree that people over 40 basically experience three kinds of orgasms:

1. The Dead Man's Last Hurrah, where one partner struggles for fulfillment while pinned under the dead weight of the other, who has fallen asleep in mid lunge. Two problems here. First, this is inexcusable.  Second, it could have a devastating impact on alimony payments sometime in the future.
2. Runners Take Your Mark.  The most common orgasm among struggling 40s, it occurs from 3 to 11 seconds after the start of intercourse.  Nonetheless, frazzled 40s are happy to have the 11 seconds all to themselves.
3. A Night at the Opera is an orgasm that could be set to music.  Nothing short of a passion play, it is accompanied by high-pitched, reedy wailing, an excess of emotion, and deep, penetrating sobs of gratitude.  The woman person is also happy.  This one is the gold standard.

It is not a surprise that many people over 40 are either dissatisfied with the quality of their orgasm and want to make them better, or with the quantity of their orgasms and want to have more of them. Like learning to play the bagpipes, this is a matter of practice, alone in a room, where no one can hear you.

Sex After 40

In the end, it's all about sex.  But don't take our word for it.

In his book, Programming the Universe," MIT professor Seth Lloyd calls the invention of sex a great revolution "dwarfing all that followed...a tour de force," and pays it the ultimate MIT compliment: "Sex is not only fun, it is good engineering practice."

Then he goes on to explain the universe, blah, blah, blah. And we're kicking ourselves for not getting a degree in engineering.  Who knew?

The best we can do at this point is become a sex missionary, spreading the word and doing good sex deeds.  So we're writing a book of our own: Sex After 40.

You probably want to see a few excerpts.

Introduction

While sex in your 20s and 30s is a hundred yard dash, sex in your 40s is a languid, passionate trip through a garden of lush eroticism, sensual interpersonal connection, and steamy, kinky verbal and physical exchanges.

You wish.

More likely, your rakish good looks are heading south, your scented massage oils have gone sour, and it has been a long time since you've had any.

Which can happen frequently to people who are over 40.

Which is why you need this book.

Rediscovering Foreplay

Woody Allen said that sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand.

What makes a good partner? It's you, paying attention to the little things that will put your partner in the mood: An unexpected compliment; a surprise, lingering kiss on the nape of the neck; sexy, romantic wordplay; a discreet, intimate caress in a public place; leaning over and planting a wet one on your partner's lap at a red light; an outrageous, whispered promise of sexual performance that would require a safety net and a dozen circus roustabouts to fulfill, and so on.

We call this "foreplay." It is a substitute for ripping off all the buttons, unhooking all the clasps, untying all the knots, and unzipping all the zippers that are keeping you from getting laid.

Hot Off the Presses: Impish Publications!

After a successful showing at the Boston Gift Show, it's full speed ahead at Impish. New titles are at the printer, getting ready to tickle your funny bone. Check out our newly launched website!

But first: a couple of fresh cartoons from the Impish Library of Funny...